Winning at Poker Against Satan

By Jeffrey Baumgartner

A few hours earlier, I met a chap, who seemed like another business traveller, in the hotel bar. One of us suggested cards and soon we were playing Texas Hold-em in someone's suite at the hotel. About an hour ago, I became aware that the chap in question was no mere business traveller, but Satan himself. Three other guys who joined us were his minions. Normally, this would be cause for concern; many a fool has lost his soul to the devil in poker. But we are playing for cash, not souls, and I am winning. Big time.

He goes all in on a pair of kings, but I have three fives and take the pot. I am almost €20,000 richer for the evening's game. The minions are close enough to bankrupt that there is no point in playing further. They are idiots and lousy card players.

As I collect my money and we tidy up, Satan says to me, "You can keep your cash, of course. But I can offer you something you might like even better."

The minions giggle.

"What's that?" I ask.

"I can send you into your past with the power to go back to any point in time and change any one thing."

I am intrigued. "What's the catch?" I ask.

The minions' giggling has increased in volume and irritation.

"None, really," says Satan. "The only thing is, once you start reliving your new past, you'll forget this life and become a part of the new life you make for yourself."

"That's it?" I ask. Well, that's fair enough. It seems logical that if I were to go back in time, I would no longer remember this timeline. And, let us be honest here, who has not fantasised about the ability to go back in time and change a bad decision, try out something new or make a greater effort at creating a better life?

"Absolutely," he says. "I may be the devil, but I am honest to the core."

The giggling turns into laughter. I glare at them.

"Okay, you have a deal," I say, thinking about a stupid decision I had made at university, a decision I was sure had prevented me from pursing the life I truly desired.

My words seem to have knocked the minions out of their chairs. They are rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter. Even Satan seems to be stifling laughter.

"Okay, what's the joke?" I say with irritation.

Satan bursts out laughing.

One of the minions, trying to stifle his laughter, says, between giggles and gulps for air, "This is the 10,000th time... ha ha ha."

"10,000th time of what?" I ask. "10,000th time you've let someone go into the past? That's not funny."

"No, ha ha ha ha, the 10,000th time we've sent you back into the past... ha ha ha ha."