Seven things all major religions have got wrong

By Jeffrey

In spite of what their respective worshippers like to think, Christianity, Judaism and Islam have a lot in common. They may differ in a few details, such as which prophets are most important and how to subjugate women, but they otherwise pretty much believe in the same God, early history and rules. They are all also spectacularly wrong on these seven issues.

1. God Is Male

If God gave birth to the human race, She must be a woman. Yet, as so often happens, a bloke took the credit. I suspect some minor deity knocked God up, married her and then ran off, claiming to be the creator of the heavens, earth and all living things to everyone who would listen, especially women in bars. This explains why there is so much good in humanity and so much that is fucked up.

2. God Is Incredibly Insecure

Religions would have us believe that God created the universe and all its people and somehow got the whole complex thing to work. Yet, Her number one concern is whether or not people believe in Her. This does not sound like omnipotence to me. This sounds like serious self-esteem issues.

If God really is all powerful, She certainly doesn't give a toss whether or not you or I believe in her. She exists. She knows she does and she has better things to do with her time than worry about non-believers. If She's bothered by any individual behaviour, it is morons with nasty weapons killing in her name. I know that would piss me off a lot more than someone doubting my existence.

3. God Is a Micromanager

If you want something badly enough, just pray and God will stop everything and do it for you? Do you really have the audacity to think that God has nothing better to do than to heed to your beck and call? Really.

If your friend was in a horrific car accident, is rushed to hospital where a team of doctors, nurses and others work all night to save your friend's life, do you really think that your prayer made the tiniest bit of difference? Sorry, sweetheart, but God is busy. It was that surgical team that saved your friend with a bit of help from the atheist who gave blood while you decided that praying and expecting God to do it all was enough.

God is not a micromanager. She's a big picture woman. You cannot successfully create and manage a universe while fussing about every individual's prayers. That just doesn't make sense.

4. God Loves You More than Everyone Else

Recently, a Christian friend's husband applied for a job, got an interview and was accepted. She credited God with answering her prayers, which kind of implies that God loves her and her husband more than the other job applicants and their families.

And then when things don't work out, Christians like to say something like, "God is testing me," which kind of implies they think God cares more about each of them than everyone else.

Sorry, sunshine. But God does not play favourites. God didn't give my friend's husband a job, his new employer did.

God isn't testing you when she does not answer your prayers or bad things happen. She's just busy with more important things than you, like managing the universe.

As for the self-proclaimed Muslim martyr expecting to be received by a room full of pretty-eyed virgins when he enters heaven, why does he think God favours him over the virgins? Indeed, why would God even let a twat like him into heaven?

5. God Is Obsessed with Sex

God reckons you, especially if you are a woman, should remain a virgin until you get married only to discover your husband is a lousy lay, right?

God will tag you to burn in hell for eternity if you fuck outside of marriage, right?

God hates gays, right?

Masturbation will lead to a stint in purgatory, right?

Wrong. Wrong!! Wrong!!! Well, maybe....

No, I'm just messing with you on that last one. That's wrong too.

God did not give us a massive sex drive so that we could repress it. God did not make sex so pleasurable as some kind of test. She made it pleasurable so that we would reproduce and keep the human race going! For crying out loud, if every human on the planet stopped having sex, there would be no human race left in 100 years or so.

Like so many things we humans do, God does not care who or when we fuck. She's got better things to do. If you want to wait for the right person before commencing bonking, that's fine. It's your choice. Go for it. But do not think for a moment that it will give you an express pass to heaven after you die. God just does not care about these things.

6. God Wants You to Subjugate Women

I believe we've already covered this one. God is a woman. She wants you to treat other women with respect and dignity. She does not want men to try and control women just because they do not understand them. Men should not make absurd laws about women's vaginas simply because men are confused about vaginas. If anything, God would really like men to try and understand women, respect them as equals and get some basic sex education.

7. God Has No Sense of Humour

Read any holy book and you get the impression God is a humourless, self-absorbed, overly sensitive bully who would happily kill people and cast them into the depths of hell for the slightest transgression. You might think I will burn in hell for writing this.

But if God is infinitely knowing and creative, She's surely got a wicked sense of humour. If She's omnipotent, She can take a joke. If we humans, at least some of us, have a sense of humour, we must have got it from her.