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Cartoon: Fat man shooting

US Civil War 2.0

It all started in a shopping mall near a city in one of the USA's southern states. An American family with Arabic roots had taken her (Aisha's) parents and younger brother, who were visiting from Qatar, for lunch in the food court. Aisha's daughter, who spoke dismal Arabic said something cutely ridiculous, as six year olds are inclined to do, in her grandparents' native tongue. Everyone burst out laughing. One of the men said, "Allahu Akbar!" and another repeated it. Who said it matters not. It echoed across the food court that had been silenced by the burst of laughter from the only Arabs in an otherwise white collection of eaters.

Billy, knew that terrorists always said, "Allahu Akbar" before blowing people up or shooting them and assumed it meant "death to Americans" or something like that. Fortunately, he thought, he had a concealed-carry license from Walmart. So, he pulled out his pistol and started shooting at the presumed terrorists.

He was not a good aim. His dozen bullets went all over the place, neatly missing the Bashar family, but blowing the head off of six year old Scott who was sitting with his mom, dad and Uncle Greg a hundred meters (yards) beyond the Bashar family − at least in terms of bullet trajectories.

Scott's mom had time to start screaming, but when Billy's sixth and seventh bullets burst into her chest, the scream remained frozen. Dad and Uncle Greg, seeing only that bullets had come from the direction of the hysterically screaming Arabs, pulled out their own guns and started shooting. At the same time, Hank and Sally, a newly married couple who frequently fantasised about being good guys with guns when bad guys with guns attacked (usually in scenarios that led to frenzied sex), realised that their dream had come true. "God is great!" shouted Hank as he pulled out of his backpack some formidable weapons that he and Sally had brought shopping. They joined in with the shooting. Regulars at the shooting range, they were more capable killers than the other wannabe heroes, but had little idea who was shooting whom. The Arabs were all lying in a pool of blood that was beginning to mingle with the other expanding blood pools that threated to flood the food court. Nevertheless, bullets continued to fly, taking down people left and right. So Hank and Sally just started shooting at anyone shooting.

Some people got up and fled. Others, convinced the fleers were bad guys with guns who, somehow didn't actually have guns on them but could only be running because they were bad guys, pulled out their guns and took chase, shooting madly.

Shoppers and store staff collapsed as their bodies were blown apart by the mob of good guys with guns. Those who had a chance, tried to flee. Few made it far. Some stopped and fired back. They seldom lived long enough to empty their guns

The police arrived to find a war zone with no clear sides drawn. Hundreds of people were shooting. Hundreds more lay dead and wounded. The smell was foul and blood splatter was everywhere. The gunfire was near continuous.

 In full body armour, the police marched in, their ethnicity hidden behind masks that the crazed good guys with guns assumed meant they were well armed terrorists. Soon, many of the good guys with guns were shooting the police who had little choice but to blow away neighbours and friends.

News teams gathered outside, broadcasting the chaos to television, radio and the web. No one knew what was happening, but when a gang of blood covered guys burst out shooting at the news teams and gathered crowds, it was assumed to be a terrorist attack. The crowds scattered while being blasted away by an ungodly number of bullets.

Lisa, Cheryl and Anna, all 16, had gone shopping together. Cowering behind a cashier's desk (the cashier's body was a bullet torn corpse on the floor), Lisa called her dad. He called Cheryl's and Anna's dads. The latter had heavy weaponry which he'd been stockpiling for when the liberals took over. He armed the other two men as as well as a half dozen other friends who wanted to do something about the bad guys with guns. They all climbed into a pickup truck and raced to the mall. They saw other vehicles full of overweight men and women similarly prepared to join the battle.

By this time, most of the news crews were dead or dying. Skirmishes were occurring in the carpark. Wounded non-gun owners fled down the streets, chased by good guys with guns who shot them for good measure. Soon, the neighbourhoods near the mall were war zones as good guys with guns searched houses for bad guys with guns. African Americans, Indians and Arabs died first, but the taste for blood grew stronger and the good guys with guns were soon shooting everyone and their pets. Homeowners, began shooting back.

The war zone just grew and grew as every wannabe good guy with a gun was out shooting bad guys or anything that moved. Neighbours shot neighbours. Shop owners shot customers. Customers shot customers.

Rumour had it that an Islamic extremist army had invaded and that prompted good guys with guns to come over from neighbouring towns and soon from neighbouring states. Police and FBI charged in wearing full riot gear, enabling them to take out good guys with guns by the dozen. But some of the good guys with guns had military grade weapons that could take down even the best armed federal agents.

The media begged people to stay away. But people knew that the government was evil. They knew that the only thing that could stop a good guy with a gun was a bad guy with a gun. They knew that their families were in danger. So, when they heard that the Muslims were taking over, they had their guns ready and shot back.

Within days, fighting had spread across three states and the army was called in. Millions were dead. No one knew who to shoot so everyone shot everyone.

Homes across the South were decorated with bullet holes and shattered windows. Some started burning. Yet the shooting continued for days, weeks, months.

When the shooting finally stopped, tens of millions of people lay dead or dying in streets across vast swaths of America. Legend has it the vice president of the NRA (the president was shot) said that if only there had been more good guys with guns, the tragedy could have been avoided.





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